The Sign on My Head

This blog post has been in the works for a couple of weeks --- in my mind, that is. Trying to figure out the words to say, wondering if, in fact, those words were really true and authentic, searching for wisdom, feeling excited, feeling nervous, feeling doubtful, feeling weak, then finally feeling courageous --- all of these things have formed within me during these past weeks and I felt unable, unwilling to write about it until I felt certain and sure; until it felt confirmed within me.

That Was Then. This Is Now.

I've enjoyed wearing headwraps, so I was on YouTube flipping through various tutorials on different ways to wrap a headwrap. Pretty simple, right? Somehow or other, I found myself confronted with the notion of covering my head. The emotion was so strong, it was undeniable. I felt strongly that God was dealing with me about covering my head (that is, in the biblical sense of head covering). I thought this was crazy! It just didn't seem to make sense. It seemed unreasonable. Something I'd seen on YouTube started me on a hunt. I caught wind of what sounded like some sort of crazy movement: some modern day (non-Mennonite, non-Amish) Christian women covering their heads. What?! I thought it sounded a bit ridiculous, yet I was strangely engrossed and wanted to learn more. I found myself undeniably attracted to this form of faith profession. I did more research --- Bible study tools, internet research, looking for books at the library, back to the Bible again, and to the passage that started this whole thing: I Cor. 11:2-16. It all felt so strange, so I talked to hubby, took it up with my pastor and talked about it with an old and trusted friend. I felt troubled in my spirit and it seemed I couldn't think about anything else but covering my head.

Back to the passage in I Corinthians. I've been a Christian for many, many years and read the Bible daily. I'm one of those people who has half the Bible or more underlined and highlighted. Everything is an important truth, and I've got to underline it or highlight it in some way. I write notes in the margins. I am a Bible scribbler, I confess. The wear of my Bible is pretty obvious. But when you come to the I Corinthians passage in my Bible, you'll find nothing underlined. Nothing highlighted. No scribblings. No noting of a footnote's comments. Nothing. Because I have just never been 100% about this passage. I became a Christian during my freshman year in college. I've done a good deal of Bible study between then and now. I was taught by my mentors that the 'covering' mentioned in this passage referred to a woman's hair --- i.e., her hair is her 'covering'. Besides, that was way back then; even if a cloth covering was meant or intended (as it may well have been) --- this was a whole other culture that had different customs and norms of behavior. Much of that stuff no longer applies in our current culture. And besides that, there is freedom in Christ Jesus, and we are no longer bound to certain things. Christian freedom dictates our choices. That's what I was taught, that's what (I think) I believed, and that's what I just took for granted. That passage in I Corinthians just didn't apply to me. I don't have to cover my hair with any sort of cloth covering. That was then. This is now.

Peeling Back the Layers

Yet I just couldn't get any sort of peace. Talked to Noah about it and we read the passage together again. He listened to my heart and wasn't too judgemental with me and was pretty kind about the whole thing. He was probably thinking, "Why do I have to be the one with the weird wife who is always changing in some way? First vegetarianism and now this?! What am I gonna do with this woman?!" Yet he kindly let me share my heart and was thankful that I invited him in on this journey (or whatever it is) with me. Even if he rolls his eyes to the ceiling when I walk away, he still makes me feel as though I'm the darling of his heart.

My dear pastor, when I shared my heart with him about what I'd been experiencing, advised against wearing a head covering, saying it was simply that culture's way of demonstrating submission and authority. There are other ways of doing that today, he said. After his response, I felt really confused! I felt pretty upset about it, too. I told Noah I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but asked him to pray for me. I couldn't shake the sense that God was really speaking to me about this. And not only this, but about dressing more modestly, too! Now, those who know me at least moderately well know that I am not the cutie trying to win wet tee shirt contests (not that I even could, but I digress), nor the one walking around with jeans spray painted on, or plunging necklines. Yet even though I might be considered a modest dresser by the world's standards, I got the sense that along with covering my head, I was to readjust my dress and cover more (this is fairly easy to do in the colder months; I'll have to deal with the summer when we get there). Why is this necessary? you might ask. I began to pose to myself questions that emerged about why I dress the way I dress. What's my motive for dressing the way that I do? Do I think about God's glory when I put something on? Or when I stand in line to purchase it? Am I thinking about the attention that I will draw to myself when I wear it? Am I choosing clothes that will flatter my figure and highlight all my positives? For me that wasn't necessarily wearing tight or immodest clothes, but certainly clothes that highlight my narrow waistline and slender frame. After peeling back some layers, I have found that I am very proud of being such a small size while on the cusp of turning 40. I discovered that I am vain. And I put together that vanity is pride and that pride is sin. So though my clothes aren't tight, the issues are about the motivations of my heart, my intentions. When I faced the facts, I realized that I choose my clothes based on a certain level of pride, and that what I'm hoping will show is my own glory --- not God's.

Temporal Beauty vs Eternal Beauty

Don't get me wrong. I want to dress in a way that glorifies God, but I don't want to be haggardly! And, personally, I don't think dressing in a way that glorifies God means you have to be. To be honest, I feel more beautiful with my head wrapped than when it's not. I feel...something akin to regal. I am not the woman you'd see with the floor-length flowered dress with shoulder pads and a lace doily on her head. I esteem those women, and mean no disrespect, but that's just not me. If I'm going to be covered, I want to be covered stylishly. Some may not even noticed I've changed a thing...I've not been one for short skirts, anyway; it's just not my thing. But I think my motivation for buying the clothes that I do will change. I think looser clothing that covers more will be a lot more comfortable. I think it will afford me the opportunity to think less about my size and my waistline and more about the kingdom of God and the glory of God. I think it will help me think more about eternal beauty (lasting), rather than temporal beauty (fading).

Odd One Out

Okay, so call me weird. I've always been a bit counter-cultural, particularly when it comes to my faith and the expression of it. Maybe the I Corinthians passage isn't a mandate for everyone. It's often hard to accept something from Scripture that makes us uncomfortable, that makes us look weird, that makes it hard for us to blend into the mainstream culture. Yet and still, beware of a religion that costs you nothing. Avoid it at all costs.

So I wrote my pastor, right? I said what has happened to us Christians? We show up to church with cleavage fully exposed (immodest dress is rampant in the church) under the concession of "Christian freedom" and afterwards we go out to dinner and sit down to eat a stroke on a plate. We aren't tithing (tell the truth, now!). We aren't sharing our food with the poor; we are selfish and tight-fisted. We've abandoned spiritual disciplines such as fasting, and we don't read and study the Bible regularly, to say nothing of prayer. Could we even get a prayer through if we wanted to? Why should muslim women out-do Christian women in the areas of modesty, reverence and honor?? We serve the living Christ, yet too often you can't tell us from the world, and what a sad, sad testimony that is. And that's the truth.

So yesterday it hit me. I have to do this. I have to. With all due respect to my dear, dear pastor, I respectfully disagree with him. If I feel God is leading me to do something that's not a sin and is not contrary to Scripture, I feel like I've got an obligation to respond.

And by no means am I putting myself on a pedestal, saying I am right and everyone else is wrong. Please don't hear that. And I'm not trying to start controversy. I only want to be obedient. Do I have all the answers to every issue that arises? Of course not. I'm saying that as a Christian I needed to begin to ask myself the tough questions. Is Christ only my Savior and not the Lord of my whole life? If He is my Lord, then I need to let the Lordship of Christ seep into the nooks and crannies of every area of my life: my eating, my mothering, my spending, my giving, my clothing attire and the movies I watch. The list could go on and on.

Why I Do What I Do

The real reasons why I do what I do? I really want to fit in. I really want to be loved. I really want to be accepted. I really want to be loved and accepted by the people in the world. And to be accepted by them, I must hold to their standards of beauty and to their standards of dress. Show a little more skin. Skip a few meals to be skinnier. If I hold to the standards of the current culture (to be loved, accepted, what have you), then I am bound by the standards of the current culture. And finally I am defeated and imprisoned by the standards of the current culture. I have no way out and am on an endless quest to have more, to be thinner, to be prettier, to out-do the next woman. I really don't want to be weird or peculiar, but I really hate this rat race! I want a way out --- I want to opt out of this frenzy. Here, all this time I've tried living up to the world's standards and then finally, when I'm exhausted, I remembered that friendship with the world is hatred towards God. That anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God (James 4:4). How could I miss this?? And at first I was afraid to do this --- afraid to opt out of the rat race of worldly beauty, afraid others would see me as weird. I was afraid to stand out. I've never been very good at that, even if my ideas are counter-cultural. Now I feel more and more certain that I just have to do it. Whatever God is saying to other women --- well, it is what it is. I just know that I have to be accountable to what He may be speaking to me. I'm not trying to make judgements about other women and what they are called to do.

So, for now, my head stays covered. Both as an outward sign of my devotion to God and as a sign of my submission to my husband's authority. I am still working out how often my head will be covered. It will probably always be covered at church (public worship), as it's talked about in I Cor., chapter 11. It will probably be covered most of the time I'm out in public, but may be mostly uncovered at home. I do have much more a sense of resolve, of peace and of being settled in my decision. My plan is to walk in this decision until the Lord shows me otherwise. And for now, that's all I know.

Enjoy your week, beloved.