Reasons and Seasons

The cold weather months bring out the old-fashioned girl in me. When there are no time-constraints, I enjoy being in my kitchen, baking up goodies from scratch, throwing together a hot, bubbly soup and tossing fresh and wholesome ingredients into my bread machine. I love the idea of bread when it's cold outside. No, I'm in love with the idea of bread. I love telling the boys they'll have fresh hot bread with their breakfast in the morning. I love that they gobble it up and ask for more (as it has no preservatives, the bread needs to be eaten up within three days; we can usually consume it within two). I make a loaf of bread every other day or so. The boys are asking for raisin bread now, but I have a whole wheat loaf baking as I write this. The raisin bread will have to come after that.

It's been so much fun trying my hand at making candy. I've made chocolate covered nuts, white candy coated pretzels with chocolate drizzled on top, raisin coconut clusters and lemon fudge (tart, but good!). This week I'll start my holiday cookies. I'm even shipping out some goodies straight from Muhala's kitchen to my mom, stepmom and brother. Besides, I need to get some of this chocolate OUT of my kitchen. The boys and Noah are eating up the covered pretzels and the boys will help me eat some of the chocolate, but I don't need to be overly tempted. There's too much chocolate in the house for one woman and two sweet little toddlers.

I'm coming face to face with the fact that there will be many things I can't do right now, because of the boys. I'm facing reality --- this is a season of my life that is both present and fleeting. The boys will grow up entirely too fast (Obi will be three next month; Bo-Bo just turned two), but for now they require almost all of my attention almost all of the time. I just can't get into a project that's too deep or requires too much concentration over a week long span of time. I can do short, attention intensive projects, but I am just in a season where they need me all the time. I can feel it, too. I am not as attentive to my friendships as I'd like to be; to my blogging as I'd like to be; and there are other things I just can't give my all right now. And I frequently use the excuse, "I'll do it when the boys are grown." "I'll do this once Obi is potty trained." "I can sleep when I'm dead." and so on. I don't get all the rest I need, and I sometimes don't return phone calls or emails. Things that were once as ordinary as morning coffee have to get squeezed in or not done at all. Small stuff gets swept to the side and put on the back burner. At the same time, I love this season with the boys. We laugh, we play (I get bumps, bruises and recently injured a toe while playing with them. I pray God keeps me from cracking a rib or other such injuries!), we tumble, we shoot hoops, we read, and I spank and yell and discipline and dry tears, change diapers, clean noses, cut hair, clip finger and toe nails of two boys who can't dress themselves and can barely pee without me there. It gets tiring, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Those things that I can't do right now aren't just excuses...they are reasons; and most folks are kind and understanding enough. This is a season of my life right now, and I've got to surrender to it.

I miss my father, and this past weekend was a tough one for me emotionally. I'm pressing forward, though, and looking forward to drowning my grief in vanilla extract, flour and sugar as I prepare to bake cookies for Christmas. My father is gone, and it's still so strange. So odd. I can't back-peddle it. I can't undo it. It's permanent and that's hard. My boys bring me lots of joy, though, and that's incredibly comforting in light of the loss of my father.

Hope you are doing well this Christmas season, beloved.

God's rich grace to you and to yours...